I'M BAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!

Sooooo, i FINALLY got back home monday. It was a dollar for 15 minutes to get online at thew hotel and seeing as how im a bit of a cheapskate, i decided to wait until i returned home to make any entries. ^^ there isnt nearly enough time (or space) to layout what happened daily. i just want to say... I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. Now im sure those of you who read have heard this time and time again, BUT that's not the point. The point is, now that i have seen such poverty. Now that my eyes have been opened and i have experienced life outside my bubble, i am now capable of being held accountable. If i see what ive seen and do nothing, then what happens, fault can be placed on me, because if i was obedient to what the Lord said/says, maybe that would not have happened. I am truly honored and blessed to think that the God of all things would choose little 'ol me to be apart of something so great! the best is truly yet to come. I am sooo going back next year, hopefully i can bring some friends. I'll try later to add some pics and talk more, but i am pooped.

The Last Monday Home....

Yep...this is THE final week before the great trip. wow! my parents are driving me to florida friday. everyone's asking me if i'm excited and i keep telling them no. so many get the weird looks on their faces or they get slightly offended (whatever). Then i tell them because none of it seems all that real to me even a week before. not one ounce in my body is excited yet. i think im in shock more than anything...HA! isnt that something? but im glad i am kinda numb because the experience will hit me even harder 'cause i wasnt prepared for it. soooo....i plan on taking an oober amount of pics and i will hopefully be able to post them when i get back. (either form guatemala for florida) oh! and things seem to work out great. since my mother's a little hysteric, she doesnt really want me on planes, alone, so it turns out that we have a friend in Sarasota DYING for female companionship. i will be able stay with her a week after the trip is over and actually get a chance to enjoy florida (ive never been before) so yea, this trip is a lot of firsts for me. =)

Holy crow! There are only two weeks left until i start heading out for Miami! man has the time flown by! and yet, i still cannot fathom that this is really happening. it feels like a dream. im nearly prepared but i still havent made the connection that i am going to Guatemala. Wowee!

The Bitter Bug

Sorry it's been forever, i took a little hiatus. Actually, i was coping, or at least trying to. You see, I want to you talk about bitterness, and how it's a deadly poison that slowly creeps up, and by the time you realize what's happened, you're too deep to come out of it. Well, this terrible bug bit me. And it stuck and wouldn't let go. you know, it's one thing to just be bitter, but it's another to be bitter and know you're bitter cuz then your miserable. I was angry, and because of that, i distanced myself from God. I stopped talking to him, i hated going to church. I didnt want him to touch me at church either so i stopped listening to sermons. But i realized (after many talks with my father >>) that me being bitter at the people who hurt me hurt no one else. just me. well, that caused me to do a lot of reflecting. i could...
A) continue being a bitter nasty person who missed out on so much. Became a backsliding sinner who eventually cam back to God and regretted all of the time i wasted when i could be ministering for him and helping to save many from the hungry, flaming pits of hell. and then later feel guilty of all the people i could have ministered to who may now never come to the Lord and if they do not saved it could be my fault because of the missed opportunity. Which in the end could bring me back through another spell of bitterness in which moer time is wasted and i come back to the Lord regretful for allowing myself to waste even MORE time and the cycle repeats again until i finally change somethin and move on.
OR
B) pray that God takes away my bitterness and anger, and trust that he'll do so.

Yea, B) was more complicated, but i'm happy i chose it. putting my faith to work is never an easy task but if i do, and i am granted what i hoped, than i am blessed. and if i do and nothing happens, i have lost nothing. (except a little bit of faith.) but somethimes it has to be tested.

So i trusted. And now my bitterness is gone. i have forgiven the people who hurt me. but most importantly, i have forgiven myself for not forgiving them in the first place.

Speak... But Not With Your Lips

"Oh I know I'm going to hell."
"I'm running straight to hell."
"Yea, I'm probably going to hell for that one. oh well, hell might be kinda fun!"

These are things that i hear from ny surrounding friends on a near daily basis. It breaks my heart because i know there is almost nothing i can say new to them that they have never heard before. And also...i know they're right. i want to scream at them, "Hell is no joke! dont play around, this is serious!" but i have a feeling that they'll...
1. laugh
2. scream back
3. start a 'religious debate'

But what can i do? I have the freedom to talk about whatever i wish...noted, but, i have the feeling that if i go about this the wrong way, i just may end up turning someone in the wrong direction. So my options are limited.
1. join in with them
2. wing it, tell them the truth and hope for the best
3. pray that God keeps me on track and live my life

Yea, definitely think i'll go with 3. Why? Because, if i chose 1) i'd be not only risking their salvation, but mine too. if i were to choose 2) well, it's kinda risky, like gambling with thier souls. true, i cant really gamble with their souls cuz it's not in my power, BUT i may be the largest enforcement of Christ in their lives and thats very important. So, back to the question Why did i choose 3)? Because if i live the way God wishes for me, then His light will shine through in a way that will minister to the people around me. they will be able to see the love of Christ and will be drawn to it. And those that truly want his love will reflect on what they see and accept him. The others who dont, wont. Cant gain them all, even Paul says "I become all things to all men that i might gain some." And also, if the time were to come that i had to verbally witness, i'd know what to say because the Lord i trust, would give me the words. =)

Know That You Know and Say What You Feel

"You know what!? I dont understand why i have to repent to a God for something i'm not sorry for! Why do i have to repent for living my life?!!" ...


...


... How do I answer this?





Just a couple of months ago i found myself asking this question. i was in art class surrounded by my, well, anything BUT Christian friends after they had just insulted my savior in every way possible. Before we had already gotten into a religious debate and it led to absolutely NOWHERE. dead end. except for frustration and hurt feelings. i knew it was up to me whether or not it would lead there again. How could i answer this? I took a deep breath and tried to see past my anger. God give me the words to say, please tell me what to say. I looked into the irritated face staring back at me and raised my eyebrow and replied simply, "You don't have to."


I watched as my friend's face changed from angry, to surprised, to confused, to interested.


"What?"


"I said you dont have to. What's the point if you really aren't sorry?"


"..."


"See, it's all about the condition of your heart. you could repent right now and say 'Oh Great Lord of Heaven! Forgive me for my treacherous sin!' but if you dont really mean it, that's another precious breath of yours wasted. The reason why people repent, or should, is because they are truly regretful of the wrong thing the knew they just did and want to make it right. but if you're doing it just 'cuz you know you should, then...what's the point...?"



Ever thought about that? How the things you do are based on the condition of your heart? i said this before i thought about it. How many times do i repent because i know i should, not because i truly want forgiveness? If i'm not truly sorry, i'm just as guilty as my athiest friend. So i guess that's something to think about.

Just so you know...

I am sooo sorry that it's been like forever since i last updated, but there's something i want you to know that's very important. I am a team member on a blog with a couple other people who are going on the trip as well. Follow this so you cac see there points of view as well ^^.

http://guatemalamissionstrip09.blogspot.com/

All from a Gathering

So... today is my 14th birthday. i thanked God that he allowed me to make it one more year on this earth and in my right mind. I came home from school today and found that i had received $300 just today! What a gift! Anyway, a week ago, i decided that i wanted to have not a party but a get together in celebration of my 14th birthday. so i invited about 7 people and 5 came. i'm not a cliquie person so i have friends from all types of groups, and i was afraid they wouldn't get along. but as everyone began to show up, the different groups melted into one group of friends. Most of my friends aren't Christians, but somehow, God has allowed the people to impact my life in a positive way. Not only my life, but he has allowed me to impact there's as well. Today, with my wonderful blend of friends, i realized for a short amount of time how much i was really loved. And it all happened from a gathering.

What's That Supposed to Mean?

So, you may be wondering why in the world i decided to name my blog Finding Myself in Finding Guatemala. Well originally, when i first saw the advertisement for the trip, i just felt really compelled to go. i was like "Wow, this will be great; oodles of fun!" but when my mother started telling people about it she's say "i didn't even ask her if she wanted to do this. she came up to me and said 'mommy, i want to go on this trip' " That's when i realized that it must have been something special for me to go to my mother and tell her that this is what i feel like i need to be doing. Many instances since has happened that allowed me to find out more about myself. i know that may sound a little conceited, but it's important to know who you are. In finding this trip to Guatemala, it's not just some thing like i thought, it's turning into a soul search. i've been going through alot in this passed year in a half, and i lost who i was. i had lost the desire to fulfill the calling that God had placed over my life because of all the struggles and pain and bitterness. I became a new person that i didn't recognize, and i hated her. but now, since i found this trip, i'm beginning to see who this new person is, and see that she's not so bad after all.

Little Can Lead to Great

Well, today i received a donation from my great aunt. Now on the letter it's clear that i need $2,400 to pay for this trip, but still on numerous accounts i've received $25 checks. This was one of them. i wanted to turn my nose up and complain that i need roughly $500-$700 more, but then i was convicted. People are sending me money out of the goodness of their hearts. Whether it's $25 or$250 the Lord's teaching me to be grateful and not judge. Who knows, maybe that's all they could give because they're going through difficulties with their finances. Maybe they thought that that amount would do. Or maybe even God pressed it upon their hearts to give the amount they did. Either way i am thankful because with just four $25 bills, i already have $100! (basic math, i know.) But still, even the little can lead to something great! ^^

(Sigh) Almost There

Being below working age, and lacking patience for misbehaved kids, my options have been limited regarding how i'm going to raise money for Guatemala. I'm not what you'd call a "craftsy" person so making things to sell is also out of the question. I've had to put my faith to work by just trusting that if God really wants for me to go on this wonderful journey, He'll make a way. So i've sent out tons (and i mean TONS) of letters to family, friends, churches...etc. It's done me pretty well, about $500 or so is due for the trip. The Lord has allowed me to raise nearly all of my money through donations. The funny thing is, during this period in my life, things have been really difficult; i've been fighting my own private battle. It had seemed like a misty fog had clouded my vision and i couldn't see anything more than five feet away. I felt unstable spiritually, like at any moment i'd turn on God. But he's held on to me, and softly whispers my name whenever i go astray. No matter how many times i've tried, i just can't leave him. And like i always say, God will remain faithful, even when we are not.

So Far...

Things are going great. I've been in contact with two people in my state who are going so far and i'm hoping it will be more. I have even met someone i once upon a time went to school with like 100 yrs ago! Small world right? But i feel like a small child lost in a sea of people. So many things regarding this trip are happening and i have no clue what to do! I'm still in shock that i'm actually going on this trip, and i've known about it for months. But when reality occasionally sinks in, and i realize that there are only a few months left until im outta here, i get giddy and start giggling. There's no way this can be happening to me. My life has always been (from my point of view anyway) boring, and this is something HUGE. like tremendous, gigantic, enormous. This is still so surreal. Wow!